How familiar is this story?
A man and a woman are driving in a car and find themselves lost. The woman says: “There’s a gas station over there. Why don’t we stop and ask for directions?”
And the man says: “No, that’s ok, I know where we’re going…”
It’s kind of a cliché, but as cliches are based in truth, there is some validity to the old saw that men don’t use maps or ask for directions.
(This old Boy Scout, of course, being the exception ☺)
The reality is that men often find it difficult to ask for help. We see this in relationships, and I also see it while coaching founders – which is why I believe I have more female founders as clients than men.
The reasons vary from culture to culture, but often, men perceive asking for help as a “weakness” and therefore threatening their perceived image of themselves.
In the US, the “cowboy” archetype – strong, silent, loner – was dominant as I was growing up (thank you, Marlboro Man) and still permeates the male psyche, although thankfully, it’s starting to disappear.
In my experience in Asia, it’s a little different. Broadly, the formula reads: Asking for help = weakness, weakness = failure, failure = shame.
Obviously, I’m not a social scientist nor am I criticizing anyone’s cultural upbringing. But, as I see it from a coach’s perspective, it is still very hard for men – especially male founders – to ask for help.
Why? It’s scary.
Asking for help implies some sort of weakness or failure – which threatens a man’s image of himself as a strong person, a leader, a provider.
The irony, of course, is that the opposite is true.
Asking for help, scary and threatening as it may be, indicates a willingness to learn, to grow. And all of us, women and men both, need to keep growing if we want to become the leaders, partners, parents we aspire to become.
We’re not born with all the answers. And learning doesn’t stop when you graduate. Every step of the way, every experience, every emotion carries within it a lesson we can learn.
And sometimes we need help in order to see and understand and act upon those lessons.
This is especially true for founders, when the decisions are seemingly endless, the responsibilities immense, the path sometimes murky and the journey often lonely.
This is where asking for help can be so valuable. Leveraging the wisdom and experience of others means we don’t have to make every decision – or mistake – on our own.
We can still learn how to find our own paths, but nowhere is it written that we have to do it alone or without a map. There’s no shame in asking for help, if it helps you find your path and reach your destination.
And that’s what I do. I help founders discover their own paths, clarify their destinations and adjust their strategies accordingly.
After 30+ years in the business, I don’t think I have another startup in me (never say never) but I can help other founders build great businesses to change the world.
By creating safe spaces to ask questions, the room to admit fear and doubt and the ability to own up to failure and mistakes, I help founders become strong and confident leaders, with empathy and compassion.
It evens works for men.
